The Poisoned Apple

Have you ever made a decision and instantly regretted it as soon as it was done? One of those scenarios where everything inside of you shriveled up and died as soon as you said the words, did the action, clicked the confirmation, sent the message, etc.?

I had one of those moments last night. I'm still kind of soul sick about it. If it's any indication of how bad I felt after I did it, I immediately called my mother to tell her what happened. She could tell as soon as she heard my voice what I already knew inside... I had royally f***ed up.

If you've been following this Blog you may recall that I've been heavily debating the issue of getting a "Job." By "Job" I mean working for somebody else, at an hourly rate, with somebody else making my schedule, and me giving up control of my time and energy. Some of you, I'm sure, have zero sympathy toward the matter. That's your prerogative. (There's a self-loathing part of me that even agrees. He's a pretentious a**hole too.) Others of you who know me personally (and/or who write/create regularly) will understand why taking just any job poses a problem to what I'm trying to accomplish as an author.

Last night I submitted applications for three jobs within a particular company here in town. It took me a bit of time to update my resume and work through the online application forms. By the time I was done, it was already late enough that I needed to be looking at going on my walk and getting dinner. I had lost another day of writing to submit these applications, and it felt very much like a metaphor for what I was doing to myself in the larger scheme of things. Even worse, none of these positions are things that I actually "want" to do. I've done this type of work before. I know what to expect. It's a job with a paycheck (and a lot of aggravating b.s.), end of story. There is nothing in this endeavor that suggests I won't be itching to quit pretty much immediately if I take one of these jobs. Every inch of my being is screaming at me right now, telling me that this is a mistake. And yet, I feel like I don't really have a choice. Bills need to be paid. My savings has been getting hit left and right with medical bills, vet bills, and every other sort of expenditure that I wasn't counting on when I made my writing career and financial plans. This is what "responsible adults" do isn't it? Sacrifice every hope and dream. Live a jaded and unfulfilling life just to earn a paycheck. Loathe every minute of every day, imagining something better but knowing it will never happen because it requires time and effort that you can't take away from your Job to pursue. That's "normal," right?

It seems I've found myself in a bit of a personal crisis. On one hand, I need a reliable income. One of these jobs would offer that (not that I anticipate much more than minimum wage from any of them). It is possible for me to take one of these jobs, pretend I'm invested in being there, and do what "needs" to be done. The shiny newness of the endeavor will carry me through the first few months before reality starts cracking through my facade. Conversely, I owe it to myself and a potential employer to be my best self on the job from the start, and I don't see that being the case in this scenario. In fact, from what I'm seeing here, based on my attitude alone I don't see this going well at all.

The bottom line is, I know myself. I know what will happen if I divert time and energy into another Job. I know what will happen to my writing. That is one of the things that is clawing at my insides like a wildcat in a cage. That is what's making my inner self scream, "For the love of God, man, don't do this to us again!" What makes it all worse is, I'm just now getting in the groove of writing on this current project. What I've got so far is pretty fun and interesting. I'm not ready to toss that all aside for the sake of "financial growth."

I don't know what I'm going to do, honestly. I haven't heard back on the application yet. All of this panic and dread may be a moot point. Time will tell if I take that poisoned apple or not, but the seeds have been planted.