Yuletide Cheer
It's the holiday season, and rather than expound on the joys and pitfalls of the hap-happiest season of all (or rehash any of the incendiary propaganda that has been flooding my social media and making me insane for the last three weeks), I've decided to spread the holiday cheer with my own (roughly edited and un-previewed) gift to You, My Readers: Exclusive (and I really do mean it this time) web-content!
Happy Holidays, Thank You All, and Enjoy!
-C. Robert Jones
"Christmas Goblin" by Josue Macias
Goblin Games: Green Christmas
Dax considered the sparkling emerald-green flame with a dubious sneer. "You're sure this will work?" he asked. "I'm not just hopping into this fireplace for your amusement, am I?"
"Have I ever steered you wrong?" the bulbous-eyed goblin alchemist replied. The toothy grin he offered did nothing to improve his credibility. Buxy knew his stuff, Dax knew, but his stuff usually involved more explosions and less interdimensional travel.
"I'm still growing back my eyebrows from that smoke bomb you gave me," Dax grumbled. "Too much bomb, not enough smoke."
"A minor miscalculation," the alchemist said dismissively. "In this case, I made the necessary adjustments to the Hallow's Eve transition powder that you used before. It's perfectly safe."
"You tested it?" Dax asked, eyeing the other goblin suspiciously.
"My test subject passed through the flames without any serious injury," Buxy agreed with an enthusiastic grin. "He's your ticket home, so you might want to find him when you get there."
Dax rolled his red eyes. "Good enough for Goblin work, I guess." He pulled his white-trimmed stocking cap securely against his pointy green ears and hoisted the burlap bag over his shoulder. He wriggled inside his over-sized red jacket with a frown. "I feel like a goon," he grumped.
"Ya gotta sell it, kid," Buxy reminded him. "You've got the fate of our tribe on your shoulders again."
"And this stupid bag," Dax mumbled. He closed his eyes and made a running leap for the bright green blaze that danced in the fireplace.
***
Bella Brasco sat on the living room couch stuffing lovingly crafted Christmas cookies into her mouth. A pile of opened postal packages lay next to her feet. Their former contents were scattered across the coffee table and over the floor along with the tattered shipping labels that did not match her home address. The 12-year-old felon-to-be shoved another cookie into her mouth and immediately spat it out. "Ugh! Those are raisins not chocolate chips!" she shouted. "What kind of monster mails these to somebody?"
A small, festively dressed man with pointy ears, green skin, and an overstuffed bag rolled out of the fireplace and onto the floor. He hopped to his feet and looked around the room suspiciously. He spotted the pasty-faced human child that gaped at him from across the room and started to curse. "Son of a-"
Bella interrupted the intruder, "Daddy says if you swear you have to put a quarter in the swear jar." To emphasize her warning, she pointed insistently to the duct-tape sealed mason jar that sat on the mantle above the fireplace.
Dax eyed the almost full glass container with a contemplative grin. "You don't say?" he mused. "Is that all yours?"
The girl shrugged indifferently. "What are you doing in my house, you little weirdo?" she demanded. "Daddy has a loaded AR-15 in the study. If you come near me, I'll fill you full of lead. The gun club didn't make me junior marksman of the year for nothing, you know."
"I have no idea what you just said, kid, but it sounded like a threat to me," Dax replied with a smirk. "Are you Bella Brasco, by chance?"
"Why?" she asked, glancing at the stolen merchandise anxiously.
"Because, you, little lady, are a very special little girl," he replied with a broad grin.
"Did you just call me a window licker you red-eyed freak?" she asked, standing up from the couch and balling up her fists.
Dax squinted back at her in confusion. "What? No! I don't even know what that means!" The goblin shook his head and ran his hand over his face with a groan. "Humans," he growled to himself.
"Let me start over," Dax suggested, forcing a cheerful smile. "Yuletide Greetings, my friend!"
"We say Merry Christmas in this house," the little girl snarled.
Dax fixed her with an impassive stare. "Of course you do," he replied evenly. "Look, let's cut to the chase, kid. I got your name from the big man up north. It turns out you're just the person I'm looking for to help me out."
"Wait a minute," the girl interrupted again. "Are you the little creep that sent that freaky Billy Guthrie to the looney bin at Halloween?"
The goblin's eyes widened slightly. "Uh, Billy? Nope. Can't say that I know a Billy," he lied. "Is that a friend of yours?"
Bella snorted in disgust. "Please. Like I'd ever be friends with that psycho loser. He's just a kid that lives down the street," she retorted. "Well, he lived down the street until his mom dropped him off to stay with all the other nut jobs in the crazy house."
"Ugh, what were the odds?," Dax muttered to himself again. The goblin sighed and crossed his arms. He stared up at the girl impatiently. "Look. Kid. Can you help me out here or not?"
"I'm not afraid of you, you know," she commented with a look of contempt.
"Of course you're not!" he replied condescendingly. "You're very brave; especially against people that are smaller than you, speak a different language, dress differently, have a darker skin tone...the list kind of goes on and on. Like I said, I got the run down from the big man."
"I'm bored," Bella said.
The goblin's eyes burned hot within his eye sockets. "Right. So, here's the deal," Dax pushed forward with his proposal. "My...uh, my workshop...is under attack by this big nasty monster. He's got a major beef with us. I could make a guess why, but I can see that it's not really your concern." She did indeed seem to be ignoring his story. "Point is, I had to get these presents out of the...workshop...or Santa won't have them to deliver on Christmas Eve."
Bella stared at him indifferently and grabbed another cookie from the pilfered care package.
Dax rolled his eyes in irritation. "Look, Big Man gave me your name. You were at the top of his list. I need you to hold onto these super special gifts until Christmas Eve so that he can pick them up and deliver them to all the extremely good boys and girls in the world." He gave the girl a conspiratorial wink. "This is the good stuff, if you know what I mean, so it's really important that it stays safe."
Bella continued to munch on her cookie with a bored look plastered on her face. "You know I don't believe in Santa Claus anymore, right? I'm twelve, not two," she stated bluntly.
"Oh, ho, ho, Bella. Maybe not, but he believes in you, kiddo," Dax replied with a broadening grin. "Tip-top of his list, just like I said."
Bella dusted the frosting and crumbs from her hands and held out her hand. "Fine," she sighed. "I'll hold onto your stupid, smelly bag until Christmas Eve."
"Great!" Dax cheered. He handed the bag off to his unhappy hostess. "You have no idea how much you're helping us, kid, really." He started walking across the living room to the front entry before pausing to ask, "Say, you didn't happen to see a friend of mine pop in here earlier, did you?"
"Oh, my God, you mean that smelly, mutated moose thing?" she howled. "I chased it out the front door as soon as it showed up. My parents would kill me if they got home from the bar and found that chewing on the Christmas tree!"
Dax nodded impassively. "Yeah, yeah that would be a shame," he replied in a deadpan tone. He perked up as he started toward the door once more. "Well, I guess I'll go looking for him outside...in the neighborhood...with an hour head start. That should be fun."
"Yeah, whatever," Bella commented, dropping the bag of gifts on the couch beside her.
"Thanks again!" Dax said with a cheerful wave. He paused with a knowing grin as he opened the front door. "Oh, and, Bella, don't open any of those presents! They're very special, indeed." he requested.
Bella gave the festively dressed goblin a phony smile and waited for him to close the door behind him. No sooner than he was out of sight, she started opening the brightly wrapped packages that were hidden inside the sack.
***
Dax watched through the picture window as the greedy girl tore into the first package with unrestrained glee. A wicked smile spread across the goblins thin lips as he anticipated her reaction.
"Watcha doin', Boss?" a dopey voice asked behind him.
Dax jumped and pulled out the dagger that he'd been hiding in his coat. He growled as he stared up at the miniature reindeer standing behind him. "For the love of the Goblin King, Mortimer, are you trying to get yourself stabbed?"
"Nope," the reindeer replied before stooping down to pull up a wad of grass from the lawn.
Dax rolled his eyes and climbed onto the reindeer's back. "Do you know how to get us home?" he asked, feeling less than optimistic.
"Yup," Mortimer replied as he continued chewing.
"Great. We need to get out of here before the other guy shows up," Dax indicated.
"Yup," Mortimer agreed. He turned and sprinted across the lawn with his goblin passenger clinging firmly to his back. Before his enchanted hooves could hit the street, the miniature reindeer started to rise up higher and higher into the air. With each bounding step they went faster and farther. Before the little goblin knew it, they were running through the moonlit sky well above the city below.
"Say, Morty, do you think that you could find us the local hospital? I got an old friend that needs a ride home for the holidays," Dax suggested cheerfully.
"You betcha, Boss," the reindeer agreed.
"Thanks, Morty," Dax offered with a hint of holiday cheer. "Merry Solstice, buddy."
"Merry Solstice, Boss," the reindeer replied.
***
Bella opened the last of the goblin's packages with a mournful wail. "What is this crap?" she screeched. She took the final lump of coal out of the box and hurled into the fireplace. The black rock shattered against the brick wall and crumbled into the dancing flames. Bella buried her face in her hands and cried tears of frustration and disappointment.
As she wept, the light in the room began to fade. The temperature began to drop. A clippity-clop sound drew her attention to the smoldering embers as they died within the fireplace.
Bella stared at the new arrival with no hint of the contempt that she had shown the goblin. She had no bravado to demonstrate. She had no sarcasm to offer. All she had was a healthy dose of fear.
The black-eyed creature considered her with a hungry smile. His black, curved horns accented the delight that his gruesome features betrayed. He stroked the filthy fur trim of his crimson coat with eager clawed hands. His black-furred goat legs quivered with anticipation.
"Such a naughty, wicked child," Krampus acknowledged with glee. "I've been looking for you for a long time, Bella. I'm so glad you found my tokens. You're so much darker than those trifling goblins. You have so much bitterness and angst to give you flavor." His flaming tongue flicked between his fanged teeth to taste the air between them. "Mmm. Delicious."
"What do you want from me?" Bella cried.
Krampus smiled darkly. "Why, my dear child, I want to have you for dinner, of course!"
"I...I already ate," Bella declined meekly.
"Oh, but I haven't," Krampus replied with a wicked grin.
