Derailed...Again.

I hate the notion of self-fulfilling prophecies. It always irked me when my "new agey" friends made comments about how I was drawing negativity to me with my words and attitudes. With that said, I certainly seem to be the poster boy for both of these concepts lately.

Last week was my first full run as the summer attendant for our local Pony Express Museum. I met some interesting guests and had fun building a hanging "open" sign for the front of the building. Overall, I think this will be a positive experience for the summer season. (Yay, unexpected opportunities!)

Now one might think that a part time job (25 hours a week) would be ideal for this little wordsmith to make a steady income (something's better than nothing, right?) and have plenty of time for writing. You would think. But as I predicted (this would be the self-fulfilling bit), my writing productivity has dropped to zero since I started working at the museum (and while working at Shopko if we're truly keeping score). Between adjusting to a true "day walker" schedule (the museum opens at 9 AM Tuesday - Saturday) and a slew of errands, distractions, helping a friend move, and general motivation issues, there just hasn't been much room for creative writing. Add to all of this the fact that I've had a full head-on collision with my writer's block and there hasn't been a whole lot to get my butt settled down in front of a keyboard for any length of time.

My hope is that once I get adjusted to this daily routine thing again I'll be able to get my writing time back under control. When I was hired for the position, the directors even told me I could use my down time to work on my writing - a definite bonus if I can figure out how to make that work (my super dead laptop suggests I'll be doing this "old school" via pen and paper when the time comes.)

But finding time is only part of the problem. I'm officially in the mental doldrums. I know what needs to happen next, I know how the scenes are meant to play out, but I just can't seem to find the mental energy necessary to push forward on my project. Don't get me wrong, I like the characters, I love the storyline, there's so many cool and exciting things going on in this book. But I've hit so many stagnant periods with this project that I just can't seem to keep things moving or get any traction on moving forward.

If I'm honest, I know that a big part of my problem is disillusionment. When I started this venture in finishing "Ash to Ashes" and publishing the first time, I was under the delusion that the hard part was over. It never occurred to me what a fulltime job self-promoting would be or how abysmal the market for selling books had become. I finished and published "Wolfkin" still riding the high from that first book's excitement and praise. "Wolfkin" received a significantly weaker response. Sales for both books have trickled to a slow drip. The excitement is gone. The thrill is over. Writing has become my high cost, poor-returns-for-investments Job instead of my passion. I'm officially back in that college term paper mindset of knowing I need to get it done but not wanting to work on it. Every time I look at the financial side of things, my disillusionment digs in just a little bit deeper. I'm reminded that as soon as this project is done I'll be throwing another couple thousand dollars at the production costs and I still haven't recouped my investments on the first books. It's a sinking feeling and it's dragging my creative drive under with it.

I still have my supporters. I still have people excited about the next book. I still have every intention of continuing with the series. What I don't have is a clear view on how I'm going to get myself back on track to see this journey through.