Characters According to Mars and Venus
This week has been a bit of a whirlwind in terms of appointments, family outings, and trying to get shiz done on Book 3. Lucky for me, I knew after posting last week's Blog that I wanted to continue talking about character development and offering my thoughts and insights into how best to approach that topic. In a fun twist, inspiration for this week's focus came to me in the form of a Facebook Messenger Photo Filter (see above photo... now try to unsee that image for the rest of your life).
From "As Good as it Gets" (1997)
Fangirl Receptionist (played by Julie Benz): "How do you write women so well?"
Melvin, a famous romance author (played by Jack Nicholson): "I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability."
Now, before anybody lights their torches and hands out pitchforks, let's take a look at the context of this scene. This movie is about an absolute garbage human being (and believe me, he really, really is) who ends up interacting with and learning to be a better person from a waitress who can barely tolerate him, his gay neighbor across the hall, and the neighbor's dog who ends up in Melvin's care due to unfortunate circumstances. By the end of the movie, Melvin hits a redemptive streak and learns to be... well, let's just say there's some improvement and a glimmer of hope that he won't always be a schmuck.
The point of making this reference is to ask, "Is there a shred of validity to Melvin's answer?"
Before we jump to the obvious, "No, you misogynistic piece of s#*%!", the truth is that Melvin may actually have been onto something at the beginning of that statement. "I think of a man..." As a male author, what else is he going to do? He doesn't have the direct life experience and knowledge to develop a character any other way. But rather than go the next (cringeworthy) step and layer his female character with clichés and stereotypes, Melvin could just as easily continue writing that character as another human being. Why? Because (shocking revelation, I know) PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE!
Then again, Melvin starts off the movie completely devoid of empathy or social awareness, so maybe we're asking a bit much of him.
However, You, my friends, can still learn.
Before we dig too deep into this subject, let's just get this part out of the way and light it on fire:
" Women Are Emotional and Men Are Not"
Let's begin dissecting this notion by acknowledging the fact that this is a very culturally influenced dynamic. Not every country or ethnic group subscribes to this mentality, but for the sake of this discussion we'll go ahead and run with it since it's blatantly obvious in my region.
The reality is that men and women both experience the same emotions. They both have feelings about things that happen in and around their lives. What allows this stereotype to retain traction begins in the way that we're taught from an early age to handle these emotions (or not).
Women are traditionally given license and encouraged to express their feelings. They are expected to talk about their feelings (whether they want to or not), especially with their "gal pals." If a woman cries, that's ok because, hey, women are supposed to be vulnerable, right? Just don't ever get angry or appear aggressive because, well, that's not very ladylike, is it? Also, don't be surprised when that freedom of expression gets turned against you because, "Obviously, emotional people are unstable. Women are emotional. Therefore, women are unstable." (See what the patriarchy did there? Yeah, don't worry. I do too.) Savvy women learn to hide their emotions to avoid this trap, but they often find out too late that being too "manly" in their emotions can also derail their credibility. (No. You're not wrong. It IS totally rigged against you.)
Conversely, men are expected to swallow their emotions and feelings. That doesn't mean they don't exist, you just aren't allowed to show them in a healthy way. It is a badge of (toxic masculine) pride to appear stoic and strong regardless of the circumstances. (Your dog died? Suck it up, man! You've got a hole to dig.) Men should never appear vulnerable or "weak" (read "womanlike"), therefore they should never cry, show fear, or talk about their feelings. Ever. Definitely not in public. Expect a shitstorm of ridicule if you do from other guys (and women who buy into this crap). However, bottling your feelings to the point of explosive outbursts is somehow acceptable in this model. Anger is apparently "manly." Go figure. (Bonus points if you can stuff your emotions deep enough that they internalize and cause an aneurysm or coronary. "Ooh. So butch.")
It's worth noting here also that PMS is a scientifically proven and legitimate thing. (See Mayim Bialik's funny and informative video about this HERE.) Due to hormones and physical discomfort, women can have their emotions amplified on occasion. That doesn't mean that they are inherently MORE emotional, it just means that they have certain stimuli that can make existing emotions more perceptible or intense.
Hold up, Guys. Before you start cracking jokes about PMSing women or say, "HA! I knew it!", you might want to be aware of your own *DAILY* cycle, seasonal cycle, and all the f***ed up things that can throw your hormones off and screw with your own mood. (i.e- the "man cold") Get informed HERE. (Go ahead ladies, I'll say it with you, "HA! I knew it!") What this means for Character Development and Writing:
If you're trying to write believable and relatable characters (and why the hell wouldn't you?), don't trap yourself in the limitations of gender expectations. Remember, both men and women have the same capacity for feelings and emotions. They just learn to show them differently. The challenge to you as a writer comes in being able to express what your character is feeling on their behalf. THAT part is where your cultural norms and expectations within the story (or even your own biases, so be careful) are going to appear. How you go about this is also going to be determined by what perspective you're writing in. If you have access to see what is going on inside a characters head, you can readily explain what they are thinking and feeling. If you don't, all you have is the external presentation of dialogue and behaviors to work with. Oh, and fun fact, real people aren't always congruent in what they're thinking and feeling compared to what they say and do. This offers an interesting dynamic to play with as well so feel free to explore accordingly.
"Men Are Naturally More Aggressive Than Women"
Ehhhhhhhh…. Maybe. To a degree. Adult men certainly have more testosterone than women (potentially up to 10 times more), and as the article linked above suggests, certain activities or stimuli can cause that level to spike in men. Testosterone has been shown to be a driving force in aggressive tendencies and impulsive decision making. So, ok, sure, there's some biological evidence to support this idea. BUT, women also have levels of testosterone in their system that can influence this tendency, so keep in mind that men don't completely have the market cornered in this regard.
The reality is, humans in general have the capacity to be pretty f***ing aggressive. It's kind of hardwired into our survival instincts. As a whole, though, thanks to cultural norms and expectations, how that aggressiveness is channeled does actually tend to present itself differently between men and women.
Men are frequently portrayed as physically aggressive (often as a result of all that emotional repression I mentioned earlier). Fist fights, violent outbursts, destructive tendencies, warfare, sexual predation; yep, men have aggression down to a science. In fact men use science as a way to enhance their aggression, so, you know, that's been fun. But an aggressive response isn't necessarily the default setting for men as a whole. It usually results from a combination of learned behaviors and cultural expectations. Fix those factors and men are just men. Despite appearances, men aren't mindless beasts actively looking for the next fight to come along. Most men would prefer to avoid conflict and will do pretty much anything else to get away from it (also a survival instinct). Before you cast your male characters in an actively aggressive mold, stop and think about what would motivate that tendency. It may not be necessary or logical to do so and could offer a much appreciated level of depth to the character if you don't.
Women are commonly shown to be less physically aggressive but prone to manipulation, coercion, and that tired old trope of "mean girl syndrome." (Ugh. Don't get me wrong, that toxic crap is real too. I've seen it in action. It's just so cliché that it hurts.) Physical aggression in women is frowned upon as unladylike, but it does still happen. (Don't talk back to a Midwest farm wife. Just don't.). Apparently slapping someone is more of a gray area but throwing a punch is too "manly." (Don't ask me I didn't make this s*** up.) Passive aggressiveness is much more socially accepted in women, but only if you can be spiteful and meanspirited without showing your anger (see above). Aggressiveness in women tends to be covert rather than overt, so if you're sticking to societal norms, keep that in mind while plotting the character.
With all of that said, nothing makes a male character more relatable than being approachable and friendly, and if Wonder Woman and Lara Croft have taught us anything, it's that we LOVE a woman who isn't afraid to kick a little ass to get things done.
What this means for Character Development and Writing:
Stereotypes exist for a reason. It doesn't make them any less unfair or universally accurate, but there's usually a reason they exist. The challenge here is to not let your writing be dictated by these expectations. By all means, use the trope if it benefits your story, but don't be afraid to challenge these norms. Women can fight. Men can be underhanded and manipulative. Above all else, remember that you're writing about a person, and people approach things in many different ways for many different reasons. In regards to aggression, you're also typically talking about emotional responses that can shift and change depending on the circumstances. Everybody has a breaking point. Ask yourself, what happens when your character hits theirs?
"Men Are Heroes and Women Are Damsels in Distress"
I'm not even going to qualify this with a discussion.
What this means for Character Development and Writing:
Certain tropes are hard to avoid. Sometimes they appear in the story without you even realizing that you let them slip in. You plot your story, you plot your characters, and before you know it, you look at the results and realize "Holy shit, I totally fell into that Damsel in Distress trap." If it's pivotal to the story you wanted to write, go for it and don't apologize. If you have the option to flip that trope on its head, though, you may just find a chance to create an even stronger story with characters that are even more dynamic. It's worth considering at the very least.
"Men Are Motivated by Power. Women Are Motivated by Love."
Let's just assume that this is a gross oversimplification and that either gender could be motivated by both.
What this means for Character Development and Writing:
Forget about gender in this case. Your characters need to be motivated by something. They need to have desires. They need to have wants and needs, even if those needs are as basic as food, shelter, and clothing. Without motives, your character is kind of just roaming around without direction and that's going to get your story nowhere fast.
Alrighty, now that we've got some of those settled, let's play a game, shall we?
If you've stuck with me this far, I can only assume you're a glutton for punishment or you have actual trepidations about writing a solid character that happens to be of a different gender than you identify with. My first suggestion would be to use your friends, family, coworkers, or other people around you as examples. If none of those people really fit the personality of the character you have in mind, you can also look to characters in TV, movies, internet videos, and books for inspiration. Remember, you're not just looking for physical examples, you're trying to build a personality, an attitude, something that makes the character come to life.
For a completely different tactic, try asking yourself what you would be like as a different gender. Most of the characters we write are extensions of ourselves anyway. What does that extension become if we alter one basic trait?
"Bethany Jones"
Bethany Jones is a small town gal with faded big city dreams. She doesn't apologize for being a "basic bitch," in fact she takes pride in that status. She likes her pumpkin spice lattes, ankle boots, and unironic unicorn tees just fine, thank you very much. She likes peasant blouses and cardigans. She doesn't mistake leggings for pants, but she'll rock them with a flowy top or modest skirt. She gets mistaken for a hippie chick regularly until someone watches her chow down on a ribeye. That said, she watches her weight carefully because she feels the pressure of societal expectations and can't quite break herself out of that abusive media cycle. She's the type of Midwest gal who says "Y'all," "Sweetie," and "Hon." She's as nice as nice can be, but she'll knock you on your ass if you come at her with anything but nice intentions. She's a bit of a flirt and a gossip, but she never means anybody harm and she knows where to draw the line. She's warm and affectionate with her friends, but she keeps a significant personal bubble when she's around strangers. She tells herself that she's a "strong independent woman" but more than anything she wants to find the right guy to settle down with. If she could just get past her own insecurities and fear of commitment, she might manage to get out of her own way. Betty is a creative type with a room devoted to arts and crafts materials. Her family hasn't suggested an intervention yet, but they might if they have to help her move again. She loves the notion of girls growing up to be whatever the hell they want to be, but she found herself drawn to teaching English all the same. She likes comic book movies as much as she likes Rom-Coms and she has declared that the Ghostbusters remake was brilliant without apology. She has an unyielding celebrity crush on Ryan Reynolds but she's a fan of Chris Evans too. She regularly refers to these interests as "keeping her options open."
Ok, so I'm just going to come right out and say, I didn't anticipate being such a traditional "girly girl" in this scenario, but I'm admittedly all right with it. I kind of planned to look a little closer at how a switch in gender would have impacted my life choices and experiences, but I'm not really sure how big of a difference it would have made in my personal narrative. I'll have to give it more thought and see what I come up with.
Next week is Thanksgiving, so I wish you all a safe and happy holiday! I know I'm thankful for each of you who have read and supported my books! I'm also thankful for the opportunity to keep working on my stories and continuing my adventures through Chalisaria. I hope you'll get to join me again soon!
