Twenty Years... An Addendum
I'm just going to go ahead and assume that I'm not the only person who has chronic anxiety or tends to let every upcoming event spark a powder keg of emotional trauma right before I finally convince myself to go to said event. Maybe it IS just me and Mayim Bialik (Big Bang Theory) who have this issue, but I'm going to go ahead and believe that this is not the case.
So last night was my 20 Year High School Reunion. When I first got the invitation my thought was "Wow, we're getting really damn old. How did that happen so fast?" My second thought was, "Hey, this will be a really fun opportunity to catch up with folks I haven't seen in *mumble mumble* years and find out what they've been up to!" I rode that excitement right up until about a week before the event. That was about the time all my nasty little personal demons started crawling out of the woodwork to shred my confidence and sanity. Apparently our truce was off. They were ready to play and my defenses were already thrashed.
It's worth noting that I've already been worn down emotionally and mentally over the last few months. I haven't been making much progress on my third novel. Sales for the first two books have trickled to a near stand still instead of picking up over the summer. Conner, my tuxedo-clad cat of 12 years, got critically ill and had to be euthanized after a stress-filled week of trying to save him. I've had to adjust to major diet and activity level changes, and I officially hit the wall where it all stopped being "different and interesting" and instead became a deprivational pain in the ass. I've watched my savings plummet rapidly under a flurry of vet bills, doctor bills, specialist bills, and publishing/promotional costs. This has prompted serious consideration towards looking for a "real job" with a steady pay and insurance benefits. This would be fine (in theory), but I also live in an area where my skill set and personality quirks don't really mesh well with anything that's advertised or readily available. I consider some of the options I'm fairly certain I could apply with and get hired for (not that they offer proper pay or benefits, but at least they'd produce a regular income) and my mind automatically identifies the minefield of anxiety-inducing interactions these jobs would cause on a daily basis. I then become rapidly aware that I would find myself right back where I started in August of 2016, something I would very much like to avoid. Add to this the recent disappointment of passing up the opportunity to look at a house of my own that was actually within my price range (read here as a definite money pit, crumbling stucco exterior and all), ongoing throws of insecurity and self-loathing, isolationist behavior, and we've brewed a perfect storm of emotional instability sure to set anyone (namely me) clear off of the rails. But sure, let's revisit old high school traumas with people I haven't seen in two decades! Yay!
Ok, so now that we've established what my mindset was going into last night's reunion, perhaps it will make more sense as to why I started hyperventilating as I got ready to go to the venue. I did the classic multi-change of clothes before settling on a shirt and saying "to hell with it" with five minutes left before I had to be out the door. I packed my arsenal of books and business cards in the off-chance that somebody might be interested. I remembered too late that I didn't actually own a cooler to pack my jugs of tea, so I had to settle for a brown paper bag with clothes pins and ice packs (which worked remarkably well to my surprise, even if it looked janky as hell sitting in my backseat). I loaded everything up and talked myself into actually getting in the car. I sat there gripping the steering wheel like I was getting ready to rip off a band-aid. I started the ignition and pulled out of my driveway mentally repeating my newfound mantra of "Oh shit, oh shit, what am I doing, oh shit." I drove around the block when I got there, looking for parking in front of the building and realized that I was actually shaking and sweating even more than the high heat and humidity of the day would have made reasonable. I was veering dangerously close to a panic attack, and I knew it.
I parked the car, took the keys out of the ignition, and sat there a moment as I breathed a heavy sigh. I was instantly reminded of the memory my mother shared with me of her dropping me off in front of the high school as a bullied and depressed sophomore and me having the exact same response. It was not a reassuring thought.
Finally, I said, "Fuck it. Let's do this thing." I got out of the car and walked inside the building where the reunion was being hosted...
The details of the night aren't as important as the general outcome of the experience that I had. The people that were there were warm and welcoming. We laughed a great deal and focused on our current experiences rather than rehashing old memories. I never got the sense that anybody was trying to prove their superiority or over-inflate their successes. We were all just folks surviving and joking about our adult lives and enjoying a break from the day-to-day grind we each face. I had a fantastic time catching up with my former classmates. More importantly, I realized that the people I had gathered with were truly remarkable, intelligent, kind-hearted, funny, supportive, and very down-to-earth folks. They weren't completely different from the people I knew from before (older of course, more mature, more world-wise), but I was finally able to see them for who they actually were instead of through the filter of high school angst. What I saw was pretty amazing, in fact, and I'm truly glad that I went to the reunion. So much so, apparently, that I was one of the last ones to leave and help close down the venue at 2:00 AM. Who knew?
A sidebar on selling books: I didn't actually make any direct sales while I was there. BUT, I did get a lot of support from the people I talked to and encouragement to keep plugging away at it. I also gave cards to a few people who didn't have the cash to buy the books and audiobook right then, but were very interested in looking at them later. I count that as a win.
So, in the end, I not only survived my 20-Year High School Reunion, I had a great time at it. I hope that I managed to refresh some old relationships that might grow into legitimate friendships. Time will tell on that one, but I'm surprisingly optimistic about the notion. At any rate, I now have a positive experience to look at the next time one of these milestone events comes up. If I'm being honest, I'm actually kind of looking forward to it. How's that for a perspective shift?
