Moving Target
"Archer" ChateNoir on Deviantart.com
I was recently asked, "How do you keep yourself motivated as an independent writer?"
In the heat of the moment (and given the important nature of the interview) I believe my answer was something in the vein of "It's not always easy, but you strike when the iron is hot and keep going."
The reality is far less tidy.
I'm easily distracted. My motives are influenced by the whims and worries of the day. I have hot streaks where I can write a chapter a night (1300+ words for you scorekeepers out there), and then I have dry spells where I can barely convince myself to open the word document. I hit walls (like now) where I can't quite puzzle out the how and why of the scene or situation I'm writing. I find myself stepping away to try and think it through only to end up distracted by something else (which has historically worked miracles on these stalemates, so I try not to knock it too hard). Sometimes I'm too tired to think straight, or I have aches and pains that fry my creative energy (like now). If I'm anxious or worried about something my creative energy gets sapped dry (also like now). When multiple issues like these are going on, motivation to write just doesn't exist for me. This creates even more anxiety and frustration, which just adds to the problem because, "By God, this is what I do!"
So, if you're paying attention, this week has included aches and back pains, screwy sleep making me tired, worry over an important interview result, unbridled distractions, and frustration over my lack of focus. In short, this week has been crap for writing. But there's also more to it than that - perhaps an even bigger detriment and the reason why the distractions are so inviting: underlying indifference.
Time slipped away from me last week between holiday hubbub and family interactions. Before I knew it, it was already Monday, January 7, 2019 and I realized that I still needed to do my sales and inventory reports to wrap up the month and the year. In and of itself, I don't actually mind doing the monthly reports. I actually kind of like the bookkeeping aspect of it. The problem is, looking at the numbers and hard stats involving my sales versus expenditures is hellishly depressing to do right now.
Seeing these figures also subconsciously reminds me that a new book will only add to those existing expenditures, which is demoralizing. Finding only a handful of (admittedly positive) reviews for the second book makes me wonder if people even bothered to read it. This gets me wondering, "Well, if they didn't read it, is it because they started it and didn't like it? Is it a common trend of people not reading? If people aren't reading, who is going to bother buying my books? If people aren't buying my books why would I keep spending time and money to produce new ones?" and so on.
That line of thought has started to fester into my own indifference, but there's also a concern I've been harboring about other people's indifference. I've been writing this weekly Blog for two years now. In that time I've only missed a handful of installments and most of the time I made up those entries within a few days. I don't see a lot of response to these entries on my Facebook or Twitter posts. This isn't entirely surprising as most of my posts are admittedly little more than (long-winded) musings and rants. But on at least two occasions this year I've also included exclusive short stories that required significantly more time and effort on my part. It was my hope that these fun little stories would spark some interest and maybe some responses from readers. Instead I got radio silence and a few likes from the folks who actually do read the Blog regularly. (OMG, THANK YOU and BLESS YOU to you proud but few!) This led me to look at the viewership analytics for the website, and, I gotta tell ya folks, the results aren't inspiring.
The real kick to the jibblies came after last week when I skipped posting altogether. Initially I was busy with family stuff and didn't get home until late Friday evening. I didn't want to start on something that wouldn't get finished or posted until midnight again. But when Saturday rolled around, I made a conscious decision to just not post anything and see if anybody noticed or commented. The short answer is, nobody did.
Now there are several thoughts that come to mind in terms of people's reaction (or rather lack thereof) to my Blog posts. Are they too long? Is there something in the type setting and/or color that makes them hard to read? Am I too much of a "Negative Nan" or "Eeyore" that people stopped reading? Am I missing something in the time of day or week that people are ignoring the posts or forgetting about them? Or, is this empty and hollow feeling in my chest accurate and people just don't care? (Not about me personally, I'm not needing a Carebear intervention for heartache and loneliness here. I'm talking about my Blog and my writing.) Is it worth doing a weekly Blog that very few people actually read? Comment on the Facebook or Twitter post if you have thoughts. I really would like some feedback on this.
So, back to the original question, "How do you keep yourself motivated as an independent writer?"
The answer is, "I honestly don't fucking know anymore."
