Standing Still While Moving On
It's a classic line. It's versatile in its application and so universally understood that most readers and media consumers no longer need an explanation for it. It flirts with being cliché, and yet it's so widely accepted as truth that nobody cares.
"Be careful what you wish for or you just might get it."
Since November I've been waiting to hear back from an application I submitted for a job opening. I got an interview right before Christmas and felt like it went well. A month later I still hadn't heard a response even though I knew I was still being considered for the position. This week I reached the point of "I just want an answer so I can move on."
"Be careful what you wish for or you just might get it."
As much as I wanted this position (for all of the reasons I discussed in last week's post), a part of me still worried that I was giving up on my goals. At the very least, I knew adjusting to a set schedule and learning a new job would disrupt my writing process for at least a week or two. I was willing to adapt and adjust through this transition, but I had to acknowledge that previous attempts to write and work full-time had not been successful for me. I was worried that my writing would suffer or that I'd be giving up my identity as an author to start a different job. I didn't want to give up on the Chronicles or my goal of "4 by 40." I wouldn't HAVE to give any of this up with a full-time job, obviously, but I knew it would be harder to accomplish. I didn't want to give up on me.
"Be careful what you wish for or you just might get it."
In case it wasn't clear already, I didn't get the job. The short version goes, I got an email back from the guy I was following up with yesterday and I am no longer being considered for the position. I emailed him back to thank him for the update and wished him well in his upcoming advancement. I'm classy like that.
I then gave up trying to focus on writing for the evening, ordered and ate half of a supreme pizza in one sitting, and said to hell with my exercise routine for the night because my capacity to give a shit had just gone up in smoke.
Part of me wants to rail and despair. I'm kicking myself for all of the time I spent waiting, stressing, and hoping for this one thing to come through for me. There was no consolidated basket of eggs here, folks. This was THE egg.
Part of me immediately responded, "I figured you'd be used to disappointment by now." That part is kind of a dick, but he's not entirely wrong. He then wanted to review all of the disappointments I've been dealt over 38 years in a mental PowerPoint presentation, so I told him to f*** off.
Part of me is cheerleading and fighting for a rally. "Everything happens for a reason. For whatever reason, this job wasn't meant to be and something better will come along because of it."
The long and short of it is, I got my answer.
"Be careful what you wish for or you just might get it."
Now it's time to move on.
Three days of writing and I got another three chapters done this week. The issue with the scene that I was fighting with finally resolved and I was able to move forward. I really like what I've developed and I think it is going in the right direction. Unfortunately, I hit a new roadblock right before I got the response from the job application. That block has not been resolved yet, obviously, but I'm teasing it apart at the moment and eager to hit the scene that follows.
I have another issue that I'm struggling with as well. Convention season will be starting up soon and I'm really not sure what I want to do with it. I've dinked around with this decision long enough, now, that I've lost out on discounts for pre-booking shows. The problem is that I've lost money every time I've gone to one of these things so far. I thought it was enough to view these trips as "work-cations" but the time and money involved just doesn't balance out right now. On one hand, I need the exposure to get my books out. Every opportunity missed is guaranteed sales that I won't get by sitting at home. On the other hand, when your promotional expenses cost more than your returns, that's a really bad business model to continue practicing. I don't know what I'll decide on this matter(ultimately, I'll probably end up going just to try and move some of my back-logged inventory). I'll keep y'all updated once I do make a decision, though.
I'll be honest, I don't know where I'm going from here. I do know that my capacity to keep doing what I've been doing is untenable. Something has to change that makes my writing a sustainable income source, or I have to find something that will pay my bills and allow me to continue with my creative process. These are factors I need to start determining sooner rather than later. The writing is on the... well, wall sounds better, but technically it's on the bank statement.
And yet... there's something else as well. I'm not sure what it is exactly. As I look forward into the year, there's a feeling of heaviness, of pressure that I can't identify. I'm reluctant to give it a label. I'm not sure that it can be quantified as good or bad, really, but it's big, whatever it is. It also feels unavoidable and like there will be a major impact when we get to it.
I guess I'll be adding "creepy, ominous unknown thing" to my list of things to deal with now as well. Great. Awesome. Love unknown things. What could possibly go wrong with that?
Anyway, that's the update, folks. Have a good weekend. Stay safe and warm out there.
