Mental Blocks
So there I was, minding my own business, excited about where I was in the writing process, when suddenly... BLAMO! The week that should have been ideal for uninterrupted writing got hit with a landslide of writer's block. Sorry C. Robert. Do not pass "Go." Do not collect $200. Our princess is in another castle. The cake is a lie.
As much as I'm tempted to sit around kvetching about my inadequate progress this week, I'm choosing instead to take this opportunity to analyze the situation. Why analyze? Because I'm neurotic and that's what I do. Beyond that, it's important that I have something to gain from this week's lack of progress, even if it's little more than a learning experience.
So Monday was bill paying day. I ran around, took care of errands, and threw money at the collectors like Mario chucking fireballs at goombas. That evening I had a judges meeting at the high school in preparation for the Forensics meet that I'll be working tomorrow all day. (Forensics is competitive acting and speaking; other areas call the competition Speech.) In short Monday and this upcoming Saturday = Torched.
Tuesday... More errands, dinner with Mom, and once I got home, the bonfire of anti-productivity got lit in a big way. Oh boy did it go up in smoke. Pretty much for the rest of the week. Why you might ask? Because I'm easily entertained and distracted. Also I'm obsessive in my geekery. Also, my priorities may be a bit (read very much so) out of whack.
I don't know if I ever specified my primary brand of video game addiction here on the Blog, but "Hello, my name is C. Robert, and I'm a World of Warcraft addict." For those of you who have remained clean and digitally sober, or you're perhaps a recovering addict, you may not understand what I'm about to say next. It's ok. You're probably better off not knowing. Feel free to skip past the next paragraph or two. For those of you who also play WoW, you'll understand and totally forgive my lapse in productivity because.... HOLY CRAP THEY OPENED UP PRE-RELEASE ACCESS TO THE FIRST FOUR NEW ALLY RACES!
I was only able to create the new characters on the Horde side because... you know what, I'm bitter and agitated about why, so let's skip it. But for that reason I've been spending a stupid amount of time on the game trying to get the requirement met to unlock the races on the Alliance side. That's actually pretty much the long and short of why I haven't made much progress this week. When I look at it in such simple terms I really do feel a bit dumb. That said, it is what it is, and I can choose to acknowledge it and move forward, or I can beat myself up with guilt over it. ... I'll let you know which I choose later. In the mean time here's the two new characters I made on the Horde side! YAY Alts!
But fun and exciting new feature aside, how was this game update so effective in derailing my progress train? Am I really that undisciplined and that much of a professional slacker that I'm willing to toss aside my artistic endeavors so readily? Does advancing my career goals really matter that little to me? Am I a fraud as a self-proclaimed writer?
The mean-spirited control freak side of me is more than happy to toss my happy ass on that pyre to burn. "Yes. Yes, that's it exactly. Get your s**t together, C. Robert!"
But, the reality of the situation is a little more complicated. I operate on so many different levels of consciousness at one time that it often becomes easy for me to try and ignore the less obvious layers. I'm not unique in this way, clearly. This isn't me blowing my unicorn horn. Most people have layers. I just happen to be more aware of mine than the average person. As someone who does a lot of self-sabotaging in my life, it's become necessary to learn how to peel back these layers and see what's really going on in my motivations. This week has been a prime example.
Surface Layer: New content and characters in WoW! Shinies! Squirrel! = Instant Distraction
Subdermal Layer: Writing is hard. Games are fun. Let's do the thing that offers instant gratification and measurable results.
Internal Factor: I'm getting closer to the end of Book 2. I'm in the phase where I'm trying to wrap up loose ends and make sure I don't miss anything. The comfortable creative phase is coming to an end. Then I move on to review, revision, and eventually submission for professional editing. Other people will need to read it. Then there will be all the work in prepping it to publish. Will I be able to get the cover and setup I want? Will the editors approve? Will my readers approve? What happens after it goes to print? Will people like this book as much as they did the first one? What if they don't? What if my characters upset people? Will I have to move if I piss off the wrong people? Am I putting myself at risk? What if nobody cares? What can I do to promote it? Do I want to promote it? Oh my god, my world is spinning! What can I do to stop this?!? Oh wait! It doesn't move forward if I put on the breaks a bit! Bring on the distractions!
So there you have it. It's a little more complicated than, "Dude, just turn off the stupid game!" There's a bunch of questions that need to be addressed, fears to be faced, and creative challenges that need to be resolved. But isn't it so much easier to blame the game and call myself lazy?
I'm an avoidant personality type. I actively try to distance myself from things that cause me pain or conflict or anxiety. Shifting my focus to obsess over new features of this game has been a defensive response. I see that now. It gives me something to dump time and energy into that doesn't leave much room for progress in what I need to get done but will ultimately cause me stress. The backwards thing about it is, now that I see it for what it is, I also recognize that getting Book 2 done is exactly what I need to do to resolve the anxiety factor. The only way out is through at this point. Now I just need to put that awareness to use.
Lesson of today's Blog: Dig deeper. If you're getting in your own way, ask yourself why. Once you identify your motivations, it's a whole lot easier to address the issues holding you back. Otherwise you might as well be dealing with this guy...
